“Maybe you should talk to someone.” It’s a sentence that comes up in a lot of struggling relationships, usually aimed at one partner rather than both. But when a relationship is under strain, it’s not always obvious whether the better first step is individual therapy, couples therapy, or both at once. Making the right choice can save you months of feeling like you’re working on the wrong problem.
If you’re also weighing couples therapy against marriage counseling specifically, our earlier post on couples therapy vs marriage counseling covers that distinction. This article focuses on a different, equally common question: individual support versus relationship support, and how to know which one to start with.
What individual therapy addresses
Individual therapy focuses on you: your history, your mental health, and the patterns you bring into your relationships, whether or not your partner is ever in the room. It’s the right starting point when the primary issue is something you’re carrying personally, such as anxiety, depression, unresolved past trauma, or a pattern of reacting to conflict that traces back further than your current relationship.
Working on these things individually doesn’t mean your relationship’s struggles are “your fault.” It means some issues respond better to focused, one-on-one attention before they can be effectively addressed as a couple. For example, someone managing untreated anxiety or depression often finds that individual treatment improves their capacity to show up fully in couples work later.
What couples therapy addresses
Couples therapy treats the relationship itself as the focus of treatment, not just the individuals within it. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the professional body representing marriage and family therapists, has long held that relationships function as interconnected systems, meaning that problems are often best understood, and treated, in the context of the relationship rather than isolated to one partner. This is the right starting point when the core issue lives in the interaction between you: recurring arguments, disconnection, trust that’s been damaged, or communication that consistently breaks down regardless of the topic.
When individual therapy makes sense first
Consider starting with individual therapy if:
- One partner is managing a mental health condition that is significantly affecting daily functioning, not just the relationship
- Past trauma is surfacing in ways that make it hard to stay present and regulated during couples sessions
- You want personal support processing a decision, like whether to stay in the relationship, before bringing your partner into that conversation
- You notice the same relationship pattern showing up across multiple relationships, suggesting something more personal to work through
When couples therapy makes sense first
Consider starting with couples therapy if:
- The distress is clearly tied to how you interact as a couple, such as a recurring fight cycle or a breach of trust
- Both partners are generally functioning well individually but feel stuck as a pair
- You want to address a specific relational event, like rebuilding trust after a betrayal, that involves both of you directly
- You’re preparing for a major transition together, like marriage, a new baby, or blending families, and want support navigating it as a team
Can you do both at the same time?
Yes, and many couples find this combination especially effective. It’s common for one or both partners to see an individual therapist for personal work while also attending couples sessions together, sometimes with the same practice and sometimes with separate providers. The two forms of therapy tend to reinforce each other: individual sessions can help you process what surfaces in couples work, while couples sessions give you a place to practice new skills directly with your partner.
How to decide together
If you and your partner disagree about which path makes more sense, that disagreement is itself useful information, and it’s a reasonable thing to bring to an initial consultation. A therapist can help you sort out where the primary issue actually lives and recommend a starting point, with the understanding that you can always add the other form of support later.
Frequently asked questions
Will a couples therapist ever meet with just one partner? Some do, periodically, as part of ongoing couples work, though the relationship generally remains the primary focus. If you need dedicated individual space, a separate individual therapist is often a better fit.
Does starting with individual therapy mean my partner and I won’t need couples therapy later? Not necessarily. Many people benefit from both over time, and starting individually doesn’t rule out couples work down the road, or vice versa.
What if my partner won’t come to couples therapy? Starting with individual therapy is a reasonable option in this situation. It gives you support and clarity while you decide how to approach the conversation about couples counseling with your partner.
Find the right starting point
Whether your situation calls for individual support, couples support, or both, our team can help you figure out where to start. We offer marriage counseling alongside individual therapy for anxiety, depression, and trauma at our Kaysville, Syracuse, and Ogden locations, with telehealth available across Utah. Call (801) 989-3488 or contact us online to schedule a consultation.